stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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