I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
