tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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