I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
