I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
