i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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