I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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