apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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