dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I want to be your penis for a week.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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