oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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