My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
