if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
