I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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