I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize