There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
