seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
