I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
