the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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