The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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