she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
