In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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