You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
