Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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