I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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