Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We're too hungover to prance.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
