Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
