It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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