I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
