dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
