I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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