eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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