Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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