Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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