i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize