I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
