Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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