Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
