I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
