Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
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