hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
