Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
