I murdered the dance floor call the cops
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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