Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
