Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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