all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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