she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
