We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
