My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize