did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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