We named our party play list daddy issues
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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