Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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